I'm just an elf

Several days on the trot and lurgy elf makes an appearance, claiming she really had been ill.

As we stand by the grotto and wave to our fans, lurgy elf asks me if I am Jewish.

No sooner than I say yes, she asks me if I am from Hampstead.

A bit taken aback I say no and she proceeds to tell me that all the Jews she knows are rich and live in posh houses in Hampstead.

Slightly infuriated I tell her that that is a tad stereotypical to say the least and I talk at her until I start to feel ridiculous having this conversation with an elf.

And anyway there are strollers queuing up to get into the grotto and we are about to try our hands at how many people we can fit in the grotto.

There is a rush on photos with several people spending nearly £30.

During the pandemic, with me taking bookings and printing photos, a suit appears and asks if Mildred is here.

I look at him puzzled. “Erm I don’t know a Mildred, does she work here?”

“I’m meeting her here,” he replies.

“Right ok well…” I really have no idea what to say. Does he think I look like I’m working at some kind of reception desk booking people in for meetings?

He says: “I know I am meeting her here I was just wondering if she was here.”

I am not some kind of clairvoyant, I think to myself.

I suggest that he just waits where he is then.

“Are you just an elf?” he then says, and I think by Jove he’s finally got it.

“Yes,” I exclaim.

Patronising ***.

It turns out there is a whole group of them here about health and safety.

And while manning three stations I am asked if they can close off the grotto when it’s quiet and drill something above Santa’s head.

This time I really do want to say, “I’m just an elf.” Can they not see?

The day carries on just as strangely with me having a debate with a little boy about Santa’s authenticity, and is rounded off nicely when a friend asks:

“Is this a permanent job then?”

Does he not know elves aren’t for life only for Christmas?

“Oh so you’re not going to use it as a stepping stone to becoming the Easter bunny then?”

Give me strength.